I have a stuffed fox.
February 20-21 after a counseling session with EMDR I visualize this episode to bring further healing
I converse with Little Little Lois (L.L.Lois) asking her to release hurt to me and God, to relax and be herself knowing she is safe now with us as her overseers.
She studies me.
I sing Jesus loves me- I am weak but he is strong.. I stop and say He is strong so you and I don’t need to be, we can rest in Him. I ASK, “will you trust me with your heart, like I did when I gave you mine? Will you join me in my safe place? ( meaning here in my bed ) Bring your robe, come snuggle in my bed with me? Let me hug you until you feel safe. Let me love you? You ARE safe with me and God.”
I get up and get my stuffed fox; my comfort animal. It is a tactile weighted animal like the weighted blanket that feels like a safe hug. It is about baby size. I hug it to my chest and imagine it is L.L.Lois. I hold and hug it like one does an infant, to my chest. I lower my head and smell its head, picturing L.L.Lois’ curly blond hair. I say,”You smell good, sweet and clean. You fit well in my arms. I love you – I need you. You are a part of me. I need you to be whole. I like having you here in my arms, I like the weight of you in my arms, on my chest. Will you come and share your heart with me?”
She slowly, hesitantly lifts her arms up to me.
SO, In my minds eye, I bend over and pick her up and enclose her in a hug over my heart, with the fox. The weight of her in my arms, the warmth of her on my chest is soothing. She lays perfectly still in my arms. I can feel her heart racing against me. SO I rock her and hum. I put my hand on her small head and stroke her hair, then I rub her back in slow, small circles. While saying, “I am sooo sorry you were not wanted, not loved or cherished little one. I am sorry you did not feel wanted or good enough. It is OK to be sad, Your tears are safe with me, and God. Slowly, silently I feel tears on my shirt. She lifts her little arms and encircles my neck. We hold each other and share this deep sadness. I am thankful to have someone to share it with, this – our mutual sorrow. I feel her heart beat slow. We both give a deep sigh. I kiss the top of her head and rest my cheek on it until all is calm within and we both feel safe.
I say ,”There is no hurry. We can stay like this as long as we need/like. And we can return and repeat it as often as we need. I begin to drift off to sleep with her on my chest, in my arms, soothed by the warmth created by the weight and heat of her there. I sleep well all night. NO wake ups; no bad dreams. I wake up eight hours later in the same position with the fox still cradled in my arms. No adrenal stress in my chest, no heart racing.
I was calm all day, even though I was babysitting grandchildren and dealing with computer stress and Credit card issues. By early evening the stress began to build again in my belly and chest. SO I repeated the holding and comforting of Foxy/ L.L. Lois and again fell asleep holding her. I slept well, but did have some unusual dreams.
